The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven) Read online

Okay, this was getting a little too out there, even for me - which was strange in and of itself. Normally, I enjoyed fucked-up foreign movies, but this one had left a bad taste in my mouth for some reason.

  I clicked off the television and placed my bowl down, my appetite gone too.

  Standing up, I turned my thoughts toward work. Heck, after watching that shit, I was actually looking forward to it. Maybe a few hours of coding would slap me out of my funk. I still had no idea exactly what I was supposed to be programming, but maybe that didn’t matter. Hell, worst-case scenario was I would wing it - maybe take a stab at creating something from scratch. It’s not like Jim would say no to some extra...

  A knock at the door interrupted my train of thought.

  I waited for a moment, making sure I hadn’t imagined it, but then it came again. Hmm, kind of early for visitors.

  Not thinking too much of it, I stood up and walked over - assuming one of my wayward roommates had locked himself out again. In the back of my head, thoughts of wizards, vampire assassins, and angry Sasquatches played out, but I dismissed them all. Most of those, especially that last group, probably wouldn’t have bothered knocking. Besides, I lived in the middle of Brooklyn - not exactly prime Bigfoot country.

  Chuckling at my own paranoia, I reached for the knob. As the door opened, though, the sound instantly died in my throat. For a moment, I could do nothing but gape in stunned silence.

  The person who stood there was quite familiar to me. I’d have known him anywhere, even with the black eyes and razor sharp fangs.

  How could I not? It was me.

  Yeah, my day had just gotten a wee bit stranger.

  Conversation with a Madman

  Alternate-me elbowed his way past. “Get the fuck out of my way.”

  Maybe it was the shock of being told off by myself, but I obeyed and stepped aside. I mean, he...err I...obviously lived here.

  “Make yourself at home,” I muttered. Yeah, this day was definitely ratcheting up the weirdness points.

  My duplicate sat down on the couch and picked up the remote. “Grab me a beer.”

  To my great surprise, I actually walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge. It was there that I paused to consider things. Ignoring that the other me was obviously a pushy bastard, I didn’t have a single clue as to who or what he really was. Obviously, I was me. I’d been Bill Ryder my entire life and beyond. Maybe this guy was a...

  “I’m not a doppelganger,” he said from the couch. That was a bit creepy. Couldn’t those alien pods from...

  “Invasion of the Body Snatchers was just a movie, numb-nuts. Now hurry the fuck up with that beer before I kick your ass.”

  Well, that was just rude. This fucker obviously didn’t know who I was. I’d stood toe to toe with some freaky monsters in the past...much scarier shit than, well, me. There was no way I was going to be intimated by a dorky looking...uh, make that devilishly handsome opponent such as him.

  I pulled a Samuel Smith from the fridge - wondering for just a moment when we’d started stocking the good stuff - and popped the cap. I raised it to my lips. Fuck this guy if he thought...

  “Don’t even think of backwashing into that.”

  Goddamn, was this guy Uri Geller wearing a Bill mask or something? This was getting odder by the moment. Rather than further antagonizing either of us, I walked over and handed him the beer - resisting the urge to spit in it.

  “Do you mind?” I asked sarcastically, indicating the chair.

  “It’s a free country.” He took a long pull, then clicked the remote. The exact same scene from earlier - the end of that disturbing movie - played on the TV. “All right. This part always makes me laugh.”

  I sat down, making sure I was out of arm’s reach. Just because I wasn’t all that afraid of him didn’t mean I was going to be stupid about it. The act wasn’t lost on my other self, who grinned - showing off his fangs.

  “I don’t suppose you could put those things away.”

  “You suppose correct.”

  “Fine. Be that way. Listen, Bill, I don’t know what kind of bullshit this...”

  His eyes flashed dangerously for a moment - pretty impressive stuff, considering his lack of pupils. “Don’t call me that.”

  “But if you’re supposed...”

  “That’s your name, not mine.”

  “Then what the fuck should I call you?”

  “Think about it real hard. I’m sure it’ll come to you.”

  What the hell was that supposed to mean? Did he want to be called William? Perhaps Mr. Ryder? Fuck that shit. I couldn’t even get my bank to call me that. There’s no way I was going to refer to this asshole as mister just because he thought he had some rad evil look going on.

  Wait…evil?

  Oh, fuck.

  Some days I am a goddamned moron.

  “I can see the light of comprehension dawning in your eyes,” he said, chuckling.

  “Dr. Death?”

  “And Bingo was his name-o.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “So you’re really that...uh...thing inside of me?”

  “The world lost a great poet when you decided to go into programming.”

  “I expected you to be a bit scarier.”

  “And I expected you to be less of a dim bulb.”

  This was going nowhere fast. Talking smack at each other had its amusement value, but wasn’t the most useful tactic for figuring out why the beast inside of me...wasn’t. If he was who he claimed - and I wasn’t quite ready to buy into his crap just yet - then he was my uber-scary half, the side effect of being the vampire Freewill. He was the thing that reared its ugly head when I got majorly pissed and turned me into something akin to the more monstrous versions of the Dr. Jekyll and Mister Hyde retellings.

  That made no sense, though. It wasn’t like he was someone who stepped out of my closet when I got angry. When I was in the midst of unbearable rage - or pain, let’s not forget that - my body somehow transformed. My power would increase umpteen times, but my conscious mind would completely blank out. When I finally woke back up, there was usually blood, a lot of it. Needless to say, I tried to keep my temper in check around my friends.

  In the comics, the Hulk had guys like Thor to smack him down if he got too uppity. As far as I was aware, though, the only thing that could stop me was...

  “The Icon?” he asked. “Yeah, that didn’t work out so well.”

  “Stop doing that. It’s fucking creepy.” I paused for a moment to consider things. “How exactly are you doing that? I didn’t realize mind reader was on my resume.”

  “It isn’t.”

  “So then how...”

  “Come on, you can do it.”

  “If you can’t...”

  “Right on the tip of your tongue, isn’t it?”

  Holy shit. Nah, it couldn’t be. That only happened on...

  “Lousy television shows when they want to show the abstract concept of thought?” he asked idly.

  “We’re in my mind, aren’t we?”

  “Technically our mind, but yep. Give the man a cigar!”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “So...” I was unsure of where to start. If we were in my mind, a dubious concept at best, then who was manning the store, so to speak?

  “Why don’t you just try asking, genius?” evil alternate me offered. “Christ, in the time you spend thinking rather than doing, whole civilizations could rise and fall. I mean, fuck, you couldn’t even ask one girl out on a date.”

  “I was going to...”

  “No, you weren’t. Let’s not bullshit ourselves here. You’d have pined for her until such time that she married some other dude. Then you’d have spent the next ten years being fucking miserable and wondering where it all went wrong when the answer was blindingly...”

  “Shouldn’t you have a goatee?”

  “Huh?”

  I smirked, having finally caught my asshole inne
r-self by surprise. “I thought all evil duplicates were supposed to have goatees.”

  “Remember that mustache you tried to grow in high school...certain that the chicks would dig your manly facial hair?”

  “Yeah, it wound up looking really fucking stupid.”

  “Same principle applies. Now, do you have anything real to ask, or should I just kick your ass out of here and get back to my show?”

  “You’re kicking me out of my own apartment?”

  “Technically this is my apartment. No, that’s not true. It’s more my cage. You’ve just been keeping it warm for me.”

  “Cage?”

  “Yeah. It’s where you keep me chained most of the time while you’re busy fucking everything up.”

  I looked around, doubtful.

  “What?” He shrugged. “Just because I’m a prisoner doesn’t mean I have to suffer for it.”

  “So if this is your cage, then what am I doing here?”

  “You don’t know?”

  “No idea.”

  Parallel universe Bill put his feet up and took another long pull on his beer, draining it. He let out a loud belch. “I guess that’s not too much of a surprise. That much adrenaline coursing through a brain for that long is sure to fuck up one’s short-term memory. Don’t worry; I’m sure it’ll all come screaming back to you in excruciating clarity...probably at a time when it’s least convenient.”

  “You do realize I have no clue what you’re talking about, right?”

  “That makes it even more fun. Bottom line is this: we switched places. You willingly gave up control and retreated here. That left me free to take over.”

  Oh shit, that didn’t sound particularly reassuring. The person sitting in front of me wore my face, but if he truly represented what I’d come to call my Dr. Death persona, that meant on the outside, I had become a rampaging hell-beast. Who knew what atrocities I’d committed while he was in charge?

  “Yes.”

  “Yes, what?” I asked.

  “We killed a shitload of people.”

  “Oh, fuck...”

  “Although not in the way you think...or that I’d have preferred.”

  “I’m not following you.”

  He put the empty bottle down and raised a hand to scratch the back of his head. “You’re too much of a pussy to share. I knew there could never be a compromise between us, so I longed for the day you’d willingly give up control. I made a promise to myself that once I became the dominant personality, I wouldn’t come back here ever again - no matter what.”

  “Okay. So why are you?”

  “Turns out that old saying about being careful what you wish for is more apt than I would’ve suspected.”

  I raised a bemused eyebrow at that.

  “What?” he asked, his tone surly.

  “It’s just funny to hear you waxing philosophical. I thought you were supposed to be a mindless rampaging monster.”

  “When you’re cooped up in solitary, with only limited time for recess, you tend not to waste much breath with the small talk. It’s more fun that way too. Speaking of which...” My doppelganger stood and stepped over to me. “It’s been a blast chatting, but you really need to get the fuck out of here now.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet.

  “Hold on,” I protested. “What the hell do you mean?”

  “It’s simple.” He dragged me toward the door. I tried to put on the brakes, but he was a lot stronger than he looked. “That fucker has been torturing me nonstop for months now. I’m tired, plain and simple - not to mention bored out of my fucking skull. I need a break.”

  “What fucker...and what torture?”

  “You’ll see...in fact, considering the time, I think you’ll see far more than you want to.” He chuckled again. “Hell, I might stay awake just long enough to see the expression on our face.”

  Dr. Death pulled the door open, and I saw that there wasn’t a hallway beyond as expected - just a bunch of dark nothingness. What the fuck? I put out my hands and grabbed both sides of the frame to halt my progress. I didn’t want to go. It was safe here, familiar. I had no idea what was waiting for me outside. I wasn’t sure why I was here to begin with, but there must’ve been something out there that had caused me to retreat deep inside of myself.

  “Have fun, Bill. Oh, and try not to need me too much. As of right now, I am officially on vacation, and I tend to be a sound sleeper.”

  “Wait...”

  But I was too little, too late with my final protest. He gave one last shove and I was propelled forward into the void. The faint sound of a door being slammed shut accompanied me into the darkness.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Freewill, it is time.”

  I opened my eyes and sat up with a start. What the fuck?! The nothingness I’d been floating in immediately receded. What was left in its place wasn’t much of an improvement, though.

  I was sitting upon what felt like a pile of broken rocks poking me in all sorts of unpleasant ways. Having shards of granite stuck in my ass was all the motivation I needed to clamber to my feet. Looking around, I didn’t see much. Everything around me was basically just formless blobs of fuzziness. Where the hell were my glasses?

  I reached down to check my pockets, but didn’t find them - nor anything else, for that matter.

  Not quite willing to believe what my hands were telling me, I looked down at myself. Forget my glasses - where the fuck were my clothes? I was standing there buck-ass naked.

  “Ahem.”

  And I was apparently not alone.

  A figure stood about ten feet away, little more than a semi-fuzzy shape against a colorless background. Crossing my fingers that it was friendly, I shuffled forward - stopping dead in my tracks the moment his mismatched eyes came into focus.

  Oh, shit.

  Standing before me was Alexander the Great, conqueror of the ancient world and leader of the First Coven - the vampire ruling body. His presence was only part of my shock, though. He was naked, too - his muscular form glistening with oil.

  What the fuck had I gotten myself into?

  A Shock to the System

  “Well, this is most disappointing.” Alex sighed, standing there as if having his dick out was the most natural thing in the world for him.

  “Uh, listen,” I stammered, holding my hands up and backing away. “I’m...err...glad to see you, but not that glad, if you know what I mean.”

  “I see our weekly wrestling match will need to be postponed.”

  Wrestling match? In the nude?

  Before I could ask what the fuck was going on, he made an about face and walked away from me - quickly fading out of focus again. I heard the squeal of hinges and then a slam as something heavy was shut. “The Freewill has reverted again. Make sure he is made presentable.” His voice was heavily muffled, but my sensitive vampire ears made out the annoyed inflection behind his words. “We have a very important guest arriving soon, and I will not tolerate being embarrassed in front of him.”

  Presentable? Hopefully, that meant they’d at least be giving me a pair of pants. There was something about standing around with my wang swinging in the wind that threw me off my game a bit.

  Of course, while clothes would be nice, they still wouldn’t begin to answer the all-important question of where the fuck I was.

  As I pondered this, that sound of squealing metal came again. Wherever I was, there seemed to be a really heavy door leading into it. Somehow, I had the feeling that it wasn’t there for ornamental purposes.

  The sound of footsteps reached my ears as the glow of a flickering light approached - damn my nearsightedness. One of these days, I really needed to invest in LASIK.

  The leader was holding a torch to light the way. I was able to make out four of them, whoever they were. They finally approached close enough for me to tell they were all wearing black robes with matching hoods. That didn’t bode well. Typically, one didn’t fi
nd room service clad in such attire.

  “Uh, hey, guys,” I said as they spread out to surround me. “I don’t suppose you have a spare pair of boxer shorts.”

  “Your glorious form is requested, Freewill,” one of them replied in a German accent.

  Before I could ask what that meant, the four of them produced long metallic rods from out of their robes. Electricity arced at the ends of them.

  Oh, crap. I had a feeling that whatever shock I’d felt at waking up here was going to be nothing compared to what they had in mind.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  As far as leisure activities were concerned, being tazed was about one of the least fun things I could imagine. Go figure, though. Being tazed while naked was even less enjoyable.

  I immediately crumpled into a little ball of crispy-fried pain as all four of them assaulted me in unison. Opening my mouth to scream did nothing, save provide one of them with the opportunity to stick his cattle prod into it, leaving me with the wonderful taste of burning tongue.

  They moved in and continued in their zapping, convincing me once and for all to never date anyone with an electric dildo fetish. There was no way for me to cover my exposed flesh from their attacks mainly because I was currently nothing but exposed flesh.

  Again and again they hit me, each time picking a new spot to charbroil. My consciousness, reclaimed only moments earlier, was reduced to nothing but pain and the smell of my own cooked skin. Why was this happening? Was this some sort of punishment? Had my past transgressions against the vampire nation been found out?

  After a few more moments of electrocution, none of it mattered because I could no longer form coherent thoughts. My waking mind ebbed as I once more began to retreat into myself. A red haze of pain and rage descended over my blurry vision.

  I knew what it meant.

  In the past, I’d fought against it - managed to fend off the beast - but then something had changed. I’d given up for some reason, allowing the creature inside free rein. Now it seemed as if my time back in the real world would be a short one. I was about to hand over the keys to the castle again. Without knowing the hows or whys of my torture, I had nothing to grasp onto to keep me fighting against it.